So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
