After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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