my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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