i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize