I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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