Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Rumble strips road head = magical
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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