I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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