Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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