I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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