so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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