Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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