Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
