I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
