and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
