Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You don't make any sense
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