Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
