I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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