We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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