It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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