you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
