So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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