Betty ford says i'm here all night
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
