I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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