Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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