I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
