yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
