Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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