glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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