Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
