if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
