Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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