I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It was confusing and full of hummus
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
