i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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