There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
