there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
