It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
