I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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