remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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