I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
