Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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