Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
