I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
