yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
