I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
