im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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