sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
