So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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