Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize