That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
