she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
