I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
