I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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