Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
