non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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