DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
