just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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