that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
