I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
