Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
