I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This is the high leading the old right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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